The Unbearable Lightness of Being 40

 *This blog was originally an article published on About.com's Dating site, 2005.

Bio: Laurie Wiegler is a Milford,CT-based journalist who usually writes about the environment, green living and engineering. She wrote this in 2005.

Title: "The Unbearable Lightness of Being 40"

Article:      When I was young, I used to ridicule (usually privately)

those pathetic middle-aged men hitting on young girls.  What were they

trying to relive, anyway?  And why wasn't someone of, say, my mother's age

good enough for them?

      At 23, I interviewed a gifted concert pianist, age 50.  I was

 impressed by his gifts and flattered that he considered me equally gifted

 as a writer (ahem).  Following him and his entourage around one night, I

 soon got invited to a New Year's Eve bash at his house -- out of

 town.  After mulling it over, I decided to bus it out to Bakersfield that cold

 California night, certain that I'd be well taken care of by my artistic

 mentor.  Ohhhh yes.

      First, I'll set the scene:  A slender, attractive woman, stands

 smoking in the man's kitchen.  "Hi, you're a cute girl, real cute.  How

 old are you?"

      (I am seated below her).  "Uhh, 23."

      "I'm 40."

      "Well, you, uh, you look great," I stammer.

      I then find out that the pianist's friend Jerry is madly in love with

 this woman, who is rather beautiful when not entangled in the web of

 green-eyed wires.

      And I remember thinking, 'Why is she so insecure?  She's gorgeous.'

      I resolve at that very moment to never ever become anyone remotely

 like her.

      And I haven't.  Instead, I've become the pianist.  I've become this

 middle-aged dirty old man pining after fresh young meat.  I should be put

 up at the zoo as the latest attraction: "See the 40-year-old woman who

 still thinks she's 20!  Laugh at her frolicking with the 23-year-old male

 cub in the next cave!  See how she makes a FOOL of herself, eating

 nothing but his youthful energy!"

      So let me explain.  That night, the pianist not only hits on me but

 turns our little sleepover into a push-me-pull-me game of pseudo rape,

 save only for the fact that I stand up and practically belt him.  He is

 left whimpering on his side of the bed (don't ask) as I leave (yes, in

 pjs) and hit the road.

      Could I really have been so naive as to think a 50-year-old man has

 nothing but mentoring on the brain when he invites a young woman into his

 bed?  Sadly, yes.

      Fast forward.  Seventeen years later and 23-year-olds have never

 looked so damn good.  Are their eyes getting bluer and sparklier?  Are

 their dimples more pronounced and their adorable downy goatees and manes more touchable?  Or is my eyesight just getting better.

     Have I or have I not become my own subject of ridicule?

      Friends and family do not encourage this. "You'll have better luck with someone older, someone who can take care of you," they insist.  Last  I recalled, weren't we supposed to fend for ourselves?  What happened to Mary Tyler Moore throwing her hat up to the wind?  Was that or was it not the symbol of all feminists hold dear -- to be cute, employed and deliciously single with, I might add, one helluva theme song?

    OK, I'm rationalizing.  But look at this another way. I don't remember reading a statistic that states that men are now outliving women by 10 or 15 years, which would be necessary if I hooked up  with, say, a 55-year-old man.  So why is it then that women in our society are still encouraged to marry up, agewise?

      Here's the deal, friends.  This is still a man's world.  And THAT is

 why I resist doing the so-called right thing, because in MY book, it's

 just not right anymore.  This is not to say I dislike older men as a

 rule.  I don't dislike them anymore than I dislike any man who might be

 interesting, sexy and fun.  Rather, I do not like the idea that I MUST be

 with one of these guys.  It's like cough syrup.  I like to take it when I

 think I need it, not when the doctor tells me to.

     And that is why the 40-year-old bear is willing to still make a fool

 of herself at the zoo.  Because even though people are laughing at her --

 and not with her -- she's still got the chutzpah to do her own

 thing.  Especially when she's not in a cage.

Photo: The author and her mother, Kathleen Leonard, Kauai 1984